Wordless Wednesday. The silly season in pictures.

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Farewell 2011. I salute you.

"we're only living for a day or some days gone by.

you'll take it in each moment

Never notice what you had until it passed you by. Passed you by.

Take it in. Take it all in.
Now is the time that will not come again.
Take it in. Take it all in.
This is the day and it's here for the living."
The Waifs.

Angel head and I were dancing with lolly once again thus morning around our living room. Our girl has spunk and her rhythm is amazing. We're dying for them to see how our girl dances at childcare. Let's just say it's not demure. And it has style and pizazz.

This song came on the iPhone dock and it seemed somehow appropriate. Christmas night a well-known Australian celebrity chef lost his family, 3 daughters and a gorgeous wife, and his home to a house fire on the sunshine coast. I have been consumed with thoughts about it. Existential ones. What's this life thing all about? Why so much suffering? Why do we live just to ultimately die? Did I mention I'm a deep thinker? Perhaps you already knew that.

Today is the last day of 2011. Some years are gentle on a soul. Some are tough. I know folk for whom this year caught them off guard. I know it was a difficult year for many. For me, 2011 was a divine gift. It is with me forever. I will write that number over and over again for years to come. It is my daughter's birth date. My much loved and anticipated, longed for, sweated for, bled and wept for, daughter's birth date.

What is there left to do but to live the good days? There's no use living in fear for what might come or how much you have to lose. You simply have to take stock and recognize the more gentle parts of life. You have to count your blessings when you find them and where you find them. You have to know when this was your year.

And it was. There is no need for guilt and apologies. These are the days and they're here for the living.

We will not pass by this way again. Take it in. Take it all in.

Thank you 2011.




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Baby All I Want For Christmas is You

I dont want a lot for Christmas
there is just one thing I need.
I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree.
I just want you for my own
more than you could ever know
make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is you.

I happened to download the Michael Buble Christmas album the other day. Who didn't right? And I happened to hear this song as I danced around my sunlit room with Lola. It kind of stopped me in my tracks and my throat caught a little. This song used to capture so perfectly how I felt while waiting to fall pregnant. Christmas day has long felt hollow to me. There was all the colour and activity and festivity around me but it only served to make me feel even more profoundly lacking. I missed with all of my heart something I never had. I missed my baby.

I now think of this song as the infertile's Christmas carol. All infertiles will know what I mean. Every word fits in this song. The grandest present would just never come near to filling that gaping hole. It's the darndest feeling. Knowing that underneath the tree would not lie the single gift you are hoping for. So what would be the point in unwrapping.

So it was in this sunfilled living room dancing to the infertile's Christmas song with my baby that I marked the occasion of a dream fulfilled.

This Christmas there is no wistful longing. My heart is not elsewhere. In the place of the emptiness there is a fierce freaking bubble of life.

I have seen the lights twinking in her eyes. She has unwrapped her first ever Christmas gift.

And I have spent hours long into the night struggling to assemble children's toys, poring over diagrams that lack a single word.

May it be the first of many. I am so excited about my first Christmas as a family, building and creating our new traditions along the way.

And while everyone is unwrapping their presents, I will be joyfully beholding mine.

May I take this opportunity to wish you all, our dear friends, a joyful and happy Christmas. May all of your dreams come true. A special prayer for all of you who are trying to complete your families. You're in our hearts and minds.

Wordless Wednesday: Happy effing Christmas.

Because these ones are much more fun to catch!

Linking with Faith Hope and a whole lotta love, My Little Drummer Boys, and Ai Sakura

Point and shoot: creating a baby's outside play area with petty cash.

On the weekend I turned this wasted paved area behind me in my inner urban courtyard...



Into this very functional and bright baby play area.




In around 2 hours for around 200 dollars.

All it took was a sail over my clothes line. Three meters of faux turf, foam mats, and a click together playpen.

At everyone's favorite hardware shop angelhead followed me while I muttered my grand design. She could not see my vision. She may have doubted me. Needless to say, she was pretty impressed in the end.



The click (more like shove and push in a way likened to giving birth) together playpen is to keep the puppies from using the faux turf for toilet type purposes.

The green foam mats now go all the way around. I had to buy a few more.

It's now ready for the swimming pool grandma bought for Christmas and the sand and water tray angel bought which we will set up in the dark on Christmas eve.

Happy Christmas lolly! Now we can play outside.

And I can still hang out my washing. Besides, watching the washing dance in the breeze is also stimulating!

Time outside is good for the soul and the imagination.












Do you like it?

Thanks to two blue shoesFind her here for the faux turf inspiration!


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Dear Lola. These are my thoughts on childcare.

To my darling Lola.

Today I lay on my bed with you and laughed and smiled at you. But it was through my tears. I watched on the way home from our walk the way your little head bobs in the pram looking this way and that. Taking everything in. And I wondered what it must look like to you. Everything was green and bright and you sat in just your nappy and a top, and I remembered the things I will never forget. Like walking through the changing seasons. Wrapping you tight as a tiny infant and laying you amongst the blankets in your bassinet to keep warm. And then when it became apparent that you needed, no, must see out, I changed your seat. Do you remember those cold afternoons. And then the snug of the house when we got home. The sepia colour of the lounge room as the light changed and faded.

And now it’s warm and there’s excitement all around us. Tinsel, lights,songs, occasions. And I too am so excited about your first Christmas. But my heart is so heavy, I might drop it.

I watched your little bobbing head and I wanted to tell you about how things change. How they must. Why they must. No longer will we have the same routine that we have created together. A long and languid breakfast. You chewing and sucking on your toast. No hurry. The only pressing thing is to get you back into bed within two hours or you don’t cope so well. Our books together. Our walks. Our walks. How I love our walks. I have had the luxury of being a stay at home mum for 8 months. But it was just that, a luxury.

In a perfect world, I would always be with you, while you needed me. But it is not a perfect world, lola. It is a hurried capitalist world, run by businesses and money, and I cannot simply hunt and gather for you. This is the way I will provide the best life that I can, for you.

I hope you understand that. Not now. But someday.

I will hate taking you in on that first day. I do not even know how I will compose myself. How I will miss this. How I will miss you.

You are such a brave and happy girl. I am certain you will accept this change with your usual grace and patience, the way you accepted my often bumbling efforts as a first time mum. You have taught me how to be the strong, capable and happy mother that I am. You have shown me in the most profound way how to make the moments, the precious seconds count. All that is good in life is made all the more so because of you.

Please know, Lola. I am always a heartbeat away. You are never alone, even if it may seem it. For the rest of my life, there will always be someone thinking of you.

I love you, my soul. We will find the time to enjoy slow toast, and to walk through the seasons. We will steal it if we have to.

Wordless Wednesday: festivity in instagram

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